01. Antique wooden secretary, $21,000
Why get a live secretary when you can have this one? It's much cheaper, and it'll keep your office-related impedimenta neatly organized, just like its human counterpart. Open the doors and marvel at the hand-carved gallery, bird's-eye maple interior, gold-tooled leather writing surface, and the fact that it never takes a sick day. (Antiquarian Traders, 310-247-3900, antiquariantraders.com)
02. Sharp Aquos 30-Inch HDTV, $8,000
Okay, maybe you don't really need a wall-mountable high-def liquid-crystal television to get your business off the ground. But there's something about its ability to double as your computer screen that brings an air of professionalism to an office. And there's something about cable that brings Iron Chef to your office every week, as well. (Sharp, 800-237-4277, sharpusa.com)
03. Cool chair, $1,195
When you've got someone as dashing as Kyle MacLachlan playing a lead role, you need a dashing chair to play his chair. At least that's what the trendsetters behind Sex and the City must have thought when they cast the innovative, sophisticated Freedom Chair-which self-adjusts according to the weight of the person sitting in it-in the coveted role of Mr. MacLachlan's, well, chair. (Design Within Reach, 800-944-2233, designwithinreach.com)
04. Naming consultant $165,000
There are many reasons Pink Floyd still sells records and Herman's Hermits doesn't, and one of them is the name. A great band-like a great company-needs a great tag. For a fee that you'll easily recoup when your product leaps off the shelves, hire the guys who dreamed up Ameritrade, Expedia.com, and Gillette's Sensor. I'm a Filthy Stinking Rich CEO-now that's a band name. (Interbrand, 212-798-7500, brandchannel.com)
05. Company car $113,915
CEO perks may be out, but you could argue that this one benefits the entire company (kind of). When investors jet in, show up at the airport in a 2003 Mercedes SL55 Roadster. Give them a line about how the supercharged V8 is just like your business: fast, powerful, and very expensive. Then ask for more money. By the way, to get this story's tab to a million bucks, we've allotted $6,598.50 for gas. That should hold you. (Mercedes-Benz, mbusa.com, 800-367-6372)
06. Executive Coach, $100,000
Most corporate coach types go around shouting mantras like "Unit of one." But a few firms you might call successful-Motorola, Pitney Bowes-have weeded out the blowhards and determined that management expert Marshall Goldsmith has something good to offer. Try him. If your employees don't affirm you're a better boss when he's through, you don't pay. (Marshall Goldsmith, 858-759-0950, A4SL.com)
07. Office space, $583,291.50
When Enron took its $63 billion fall, it left behind a trail of broken dreams, a legacy of corruption . . . and a hell of a lot of prime downtown office space. The landlord has scrubbed off the bad karma and is leasing space at Three Allen Center, one of Enron's old addresses, for the bargain price of $14.50 per square foot. Because we see growth in your future, we suggest a total of 40,227 square feet on two floors. Includes parking garage, food court, and the eerie feeling that you're under surveillance. (Trizec Properties, trz.com, 713-651-1515)
08. Fish tank, $3,025.00
What's the key to any successful business? Fish. Mike Bloomberg thought so when he called on this company to fishify his Chicago offices. Stick the sleek pentagonal, black-acrylic, 180-gallon aquarium with a top-of-the-line filtration system in the corner of your office and you'll ooze power. Then blow another $1,000 for some exotic aquatic conversation-starters. To anyone who dares question the prudence of launching a business in an economy as rotten as this one, you'll say, "Easy, pal. Check out the fish."
